A Love I Wanted to Have And Barely Got to Hold

When it comes to talent, I have a handful I have tried my best to cultivate over the years.

I was born to live a life with some struggle, a life that was not blessed with any particular strengths to leverage.

At an early age, I learned that many want to try and touch what few even care to purchase.

It takes a certain type of person to withstand rejection, especially by the same person. Imagine being rejected 3 times and still expecting a change of heart.

Try being an emotional person whose feelings linger on things and memories of people.

I am an emotional person.

A person whose senses are enhanced by their experiences and are made impossible to forget.

A smell, a sound, a sight, a touch, a taste is always more than it seems to me.

—

Exposing myself here, the realness most of us are missing.

Do not get me wrong, a white lie comes out now and then when things feel a bit uncomfortable. Afterward, I ask myself, why? Where is the true and honest spirit that wants to thrive?

Then, I remind myself that these little white lies were conditioned into me, making me temporarily believe in security wrapped in the falsehood that if I acknowledged and practiced as the truth, I would be fine.

By the time, I finally realized that I was not fine, I decided to open myself more, more true words poured out of me even when I wanted to restrict its flow.

Now, the moment I find myself in, the world is not only a bit more chaotic but so is my life.

I thought I was standing up for myself and failed to be cautious. The warnings I was given were true and I want to remind who I can right now— be careful when you open your heart during times of vulnerability.

There was a person I wanted things to work out with so badly. I am becoming more grateful as the days pass, I have made it to his final appearance in this chapter of my life. We had been on and off for almost two and a half years, I broke it off twice, and he did so once— before he did, he had told me he was maturing and didn’t want to hurt me, then almost a year later, he reached out again.

This time felt different, at least I wanted it to be. And this time was no different. This was the third time I was blatantly rejected because he could not return the feelings I had been honest about from the very first time I broke it off.

It is stupid having to break a relationship that was not a relationship. I broke it off and it hurt more than a break up because the possibilities were endless until they were not.

The toxicity was shared here by expecting him to change and start reciprocating my feelings, despite him telling me through his actions nothing was going to. And I still allowed him access to me because he wanted me to stay in his life.

This time it registered in my brain that I broke my heart first though, I let someone who could not value me during times of my life when I was most vulnerable. I ended up easily confusing physical intimacy for something more.

Loneliness is not an excuse to hurt someone or to lose yourself and your progress. It is not always a bad thing; it is often a beacon.

Telling you where to go, where to place your focus.

Answers reveal themselves over time giving you the reasons you went against your best judgment.

My answer right now is not to blame myself for where I was at that moment I did not make the best decision for myself. I was true to my heart but it was not the right time or person.

I still have something much more important that I get to restore, cultivate, and continue to hold onto.

A love that can never be stripped from me, the love I have for myself.