Walking Away With Wings
It’s been a little over two months since my last post. If you read my last post, it hits home and kind of ties into why I haven’t posted. This post will add to the reasoning. However, one thing I will not do is feel guilty about what I have not done anymore. With that said, let’s get into today’s post.
The more I feel like an impostor in my skin navigating life, the more I realize that everyone in life is truly winging it.
Nothing is set in stone, and situations happen regardless of our never-ending plans. This is coming from a planner, a person with a strong opinion, someone who has made many mistakes and is most of the time afraid to admit those “errors” or “failures” in life simply to save face. My thoughts are, “if people knew the truth, what I keep from the public, they would not respect me.” At least that is what I tell myself.
The day will come when these things are a distant memory of what I thought was a major struggle. However, at this point right now, I vaguely understand that this is a challenge for me to overcome by just going through it. For some time, I thought I should only be portraying my best self to the world. But what about the raw and broken person that I have been and sometimes will be? The transparency that people need to see and know that it exists beside them.
Many people talk about being relatable, and some now do not even want to be relatable. They act as if they’ve reached a different level or status. Yes, they may have worked towards separating themselves from the masses, but do you sacrifice community and support simply because it does not fit the mold anymore? There are better ways to go about removing things in life that do not serve you, maybe cold cutting them out of your life. That is okay.
I am still at the point in my life where I struggle to identify what is a now thing or something that can be delayed, but I also refuse to deny myself the things I want to experience and need.
I want to appear to the outer world that I am doing well, but most of the time I am not. I’ll be honest; it’s by subconscious choice though. I understand that I have resources to better my situation, but I have not applied myself in those areas to advance. Simple but not easy to break bad habits, and cut off people who are not adding but subtracting at the point I am right now in my life.
While we are on the topic, the fear of missing out is real. But I am also just in my twenties, and I do not want to miss out on living my life in the years when I can.
I used to feel bad for treating myself well, telling myself I didn’t deserve anything. Expensive things were out of the question, travel was delayed for when I reached a certain point. The goals I have had for myself thus far in life, have been hard to reach and are still hard to reach because my aspirations only grow more as time passes.
The point I am working on getting to is that I had to let go of that act of kind of punishing myself and start allowing myself to experience and be a part of my life rather than feeling as though I had to work for everything first to be able to enjoy the fruits of living.
Understanding that I am not the first and only person who has ever felt this way is good, but that is also sad in a sense. It’s guilt and shame for rewarding yourself that can very easily turn into a mental illness or have roots in anxious behavior, depression, etc.
Working towards goals and aspirations in life is not bad; yet, the approach to them has to be healthy and evaluated through a lens that can discern what can be enjoyed now rather than later. The journey will not come with ease for most, but it is a worthwhile one to be actively a part of.
In case no one has verbalized this to you recently or ever in your life, you do deserve good things in life and experiences. Luxuries in life can be simple things too, and please do not put yourself in a difficult place financially or emotionally through any relations to do certain things in your life. If you are not hurting anyone and have the means to live your life to your heart's content, please do it. For all we know, this life is one, and it will end when we least expect it. Please live.
